Amae and Belonging

As our Marriage Prep class continues to get more in-depth, I continue to feel like the readings and lectures are more applicable to my own life. I specifically loved the article and lecture addressing the term “amae.” This is a Japanese word that has no direct translation into English, but means the need or desire to belong. It is a feeling when someone else recognizes you, appreciates you, loves you, and needs you.

I think that we can all relate to this feeling. Often times once we have experienced someone showing appreciation for us or someone telling that they need us and then that is taken away, that is a time when we especially want amae. We have experienced the goodness of belonging and now feel the void. Once the void is filled it is a great feeling and because of amae, we could feel the difference—the improvement—but at the time it is hard to be patient.

It is also interesting that we can look at the other side of amae. Helping someone else feel your love—helping them feel amae in a way—can be called charity. It is a great power to be able to step into someone else’s life and help them to feel like they belong and like they are worth something. As we learned in class, amae in German translates to, “freedom through emotional security.” How true this is. We can agree that when you feel like you can be emotionally stable and are emotionally secure, you feel at ease and like you can be yourself. You feel like your true self belongs and that is key. We have to be true to ourselves and true to others. If people are to help us feel secure, we have to let them see and observe and grow to love the real us. You are happiest when you are true to yourself, and for others to appreciate that self only magnifies the great feeling.

I enjoy thinking and talking about this topic and I look forward to what I will learn next.

Where is marriage headed in the future?

We have recently talked in class about not just our Christian, LDS perspective on marriage, but what the world as a whole thinks of the institution of marriage. The discussions have been interesting and the readings informative. We have seen a shift in society regarding what is acceptable before marriage. It is not at all uncommon these days to live with someone before marriage or even to have a child before marriage. In my opinion, I think that we will see this trend increase. The more we see these things take place, the more ordinary they will seem and the more they will be socially accepted. For example, already we can see a trend with unwed mothers. It seemed much more prevalent before that if a woman found out she was pregnant, she would marry the father by her parents’ wishes or her own. This would both provide a father in the household for the child—protection, security, and income—as well as a cover up of a taboo subject. The more acceptable motherhood outside of marriage becomes, the less we will see a rush to cover the taboo act. This may be good or it may be bad. Maybe it will degrees the divorce rate—a positive effect for our society. But, we need to remember that in doing so, we are leaving countless of children fatherless.

Consequently, we also talked about the benefits of having a father in the home. Fathers help to set boundaries—enforce rules and set a structure to the household. Fathers also provide for the family. If the mother alone is working to support her family, she can easily burn herself out working in the home and out. Also, by having to work outside of the home so much, she is missing valuable time to be with her child.

The articles we read for class described the opposing mentalities with those couples simply living together versus making wedding vows in front of friends and family. They have found that there is much less commitment when only living together. There are no strings attached and each partner has a hard time putting themselves out there for the other when they are not sure what they will receive in return or even what a heartbreak they might feel. When people wed, they commit to one another and can then open the barriers of trust—extinguishing relationship fears. With the divorce rate as high as it is though, I cannot ignore the fact that many marriages do not last either.

I feel like the more knowledge and awareness I gain and the more positive, lasting attributes I establish and develop in my relationships, the more prepared I am for marriage. What I mean is that the pessimistic statistics do not make me fear marriage.